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Cinco de Mayo Under Vesuvius with Marvelous Margaritas

Here in that maudlin state of consciousness called “Geezerville,” our main drag, Memory Lane, is bumper-to-bumper with month of May remembrances. Leading the traffic jam is Cinco de Mayo, a day to remember the David and Goliath-type battle of Puebla, Mexico, where a ragtag group of Mexican citizens battled victoriously against the mighty French army.

Alameda Post - mount Vesuvius

Because we in Geezerville are urban mystics, celebrations of military victories are confined to gluttony, not guns. Pork shoulders are braised for carnitas, and margaritas flow freely.

My most memorable attempt at Cinco de Mayo carnitas involved my estranged buddy Rodrigo, his precocious/annoying nine-year-old brat Marco, and Vesuvius, a mammoth backyard barbeque grill made of mortared gray river rocks.



The monstrosity was fired up when I arrived at Rodrigo’s Sterling Avenue digs. It was belching gray smoke like Vesuvius in a Plinian volcanic eruption over Naples, Italy. When I entered Rodrigo’s yard and saw the beast, I laughed and yelled, “Holy sh*t, Vesuvius!”

Marco heard me and bellowed, “Hey Poppa, Bill’s here, and he yelled ‘Holy sh*t, fish stew for us!”

Rodrigo walked over, looked at Marco and me, and said, “ His name is Gil, and why the hell did you bring fish stew? Nobody eats that on Cinco de Mayo. I thought you were going to bring pork shoulders to barbecue for carnitas.”

Alameda Post - carnitas
Photo Mike McCune / Flickr.

I replied, “Just a misunderstanding, forget it. We’d better get these pork shoulders on. They’ll take around four hours to cook.”

Marco was listening and began to sob. “I hate carnitas! I want fish stew.”

Rodrigo glared at me malevolently and barked, “What the hell, dude?”

I had to explain. “When I came in the yard, I called your grill Vesuvius, because it looks like a volcano.”

Rodrigo pondered this, laughed, and then chortled, “Fish stew for us! Ha! The kid does that all the time. At his school, he was asked where his mom worked. Instead of saying ‘a beauty salon’ he said ‘a saloon’ and that she fixes up women to attract men. Then he almost got us reported to Child Protective Services when he added that he goes there after school, sweeps up and serves the ladies drinks.”

Alameda Post - an active volcano

Marco heard us laughing and cried, “I hate you, Poppa and Bill.” Then he ran into the house to seek the comfort of his mother. Rodrigo went into his kitchen to get pans for the pork, and I walked to Vesuvius to check the heat with an oven temperature gauge. True to form, Vesuvius pinned the gauge at over 600 degrees, far too hot for pork shoulders. I smelled something burning and took a look in the smoker. Inside where three cremated whole chickens, sacrifices to the power of Vesuvius.

I yelled for Rodrigo. “Hey Rod, are you cooking chickens?”

Rodrigo appeared on the patio with his wife Monica and Marco. “Yeah, Gil, are they done?” Monica asked sweetly.

I laughed and babbled, “Done? They’re burnt to a crisp. Cremated!”

Monica glared furiously at Rodrigo and me, held her tongue, and stormed back into the house.

Marco had quit crying. He looked at me and asked, “Hey Bill, what’s cremated? Can I try it?”

Alameda Post - a cartoon burnt chicken on a grill

Rodrigo and I both laughed, and I replied, “If we cook on Vesuvius today, that’s all you’ll get.”

Marco looked confused while Rodrigo inquired, “How hot is it? What did your gauge say?”

I answered, “It pinned at over 600 degrees, but I’d say it’s probably around 800, because the rocks inside are glowing.”

“Glowing?” Rodrigo barked. “Jeezus, I put in too much charcoal. I don’t want the thing to crack! We’ll have to stay away from it until it cools down!”

Marco beamed. “Good! Now we can have fish stew,” he giggled. Rodrigo sheepishly told his wife the news and asked her if we could braise the pork in the oven.

Alameda Post - tres leches cake
Photo Hungry Dudes / Flickr.

“No!” she snapped. “I’m baking Tres Leches cake for the party. Where’s that guy Bill who made the fish stew? That would be good.”

After I clarified things with Monica, Rodrigo and I tempered her anger by going to the Quintero’s Acapulco restaurant for two dozen pork tamales and orders of bean dip, and then to Otaez restaurant (where Ceron Kitchen is now) for some Caldo De Mariscos (seafood soup) for Marco.

As we waited at the bar for our order, we toasted Vesuvius for creating the opportunity for us to get away and medicate ourselves with mucho icy Cinco de Mayo margaritas.

Alameda Post - a margarita

A Perfect Cinco de Mayo Margarita

Ingredients
  • Jose Cuervo Gold Tequila 0.50 oz.
  • Jose Cuervo White Tequila 0.50 oz
  • Bols Triple Sec 0.50 oz
  • Bols Orange Curacao 0.50 oz
  • Lime Juice 0.50 oz
  • Lime Wedge Squeezed 2 ea.
Directions
  1. Add ingredients to iced shaker.
  2. Squeeze limes and add to shaker.
  3. Shake vigorously.
  4. Salt rims of margarita glasses and serve.

Gil Michaels prefers tequila shots at [email protected]. His writing is collected at AlamedaPost.com/Gil-Michaels.

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