Dear Ask Alina,
My wife told me this week that she is not attracted to me because of my boring personality. About a year ago she told me that she found me uninteresting and immature. I worked on improving myself for the past year to meet her expectations. I joined a co-ed soccer team for the two of us to play together, I started weight training, and I began to practice a second language. I thought she was happy with my improvement, but apparently not. How do I further improve myself?
Clueless Husband
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Dear Clueless Husband,
I understand that your love for your wife and desire to meet her needs is strong, however, I am wondering if you are showing signs of codependency. If you answer yes to any of the following questions, it is a sign you are codependent in this relationship.
- Do you put your wife’s needs ahead of your own?
- Do you feel responsible for her emotions?
- Do you feel responsible to fix her problems?
- Do you find it difficult to say no to her requests?
- Do you neglect your own needs, interests, or friends?
- Are you afraid she will leave you?
- Do you feel like you cannot live without her?
While I am not suggesting that you start ignoring your wife’s needs or time spent with her, I do encourage you to focus on yourself as well. Spend some time thinking about what makes you happy, what your needs are, and what your goals are for yourself. Build personal friendships or spend time with your own friendship group. Include activities that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. For example, are the activities you picked up within the last year for you or for your wife?
When a person’s self-esteem is low, they tend to tie their self-worth into making their partner happy. I sometimes hear from my clients whose partners have low self-esteem that the partner is uninteresting or not fun to be around. When we look more deeply into that, we find that what they want is for their partner to have confidence and independent opinions.
I understand your fear that expressing your needs to your wife could result in her leaving you, but I think you will be surprised to find the opposite reaction from her. When your wife sees you doing activities that make you happy and hears you communicate to her what your needs are, I think she will actually get excited to spend time with you.
To answer your question on how to further improve yourself, here is a list of what I recommend for you to focus on:
- Self-reflection. Spend some time by yourself. Consider your own interests, passions, and values. Are you genuinely enjoying the activities you’ve pursued, or are you doing them solely to please your wife? Authenticity is attractive. Start focusing on activities that genuinely interest you.
- Emotional connection. Building a strong emotional connection with your wife is often more beneficial than shared interests or shared activities. Spend quality time together, share your thoughts and feelings with her. And of course, always listen to her and ask curious and genuine questions to learn more from her.
- Maintain independence. It is crucial for relationships to maintain your own independence, and to pursue hobbies, interests, and goals that make you happy.
Lastly, I encourage you to work with a therapist. Working with a therapist can help you understand your needs, build boundaries, prioritize your needs and emotions, find new ways to communicate with your wife, and find self-worthiness and self-esteem.
Alina Baugh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Ask Alina is for informational purposes only. This article does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.