Dear Ask Alina,
I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for over a year. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic and then have a hard time falling back asleep. The same pattern happens multiple times per week. I wake up replaying conversations I had at work the day before and question if I could have said it better or if I forgot to complete a task. Logically I know that I did not do anything wrong and that I am not going to be in trouble, but the expectation I have of myself is that I could have done better. How do I stop this madness?
Sleepless In Alameda
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Dear Sleepless In Alameda,
It sounds like you may have perfectionistic tendencies. Being a perfectionist can be an asset and a liability. Perfectionism can be a motivator and a source of distress. I would guess that your work appreciates your perfectionism and that you are a strong, meticulous performer. However, the stress that it causes you is not sustainable in the long term to excel and succeed.
Following are a few examples of differences between high achiever perfectionists. Take a look at these examples and see if any describe you.
- All or nothing thinking: High achievers will be satisfied with doing a great job even if goals are not completely met, while perfectionists will not accept anything less than “perfect.”
- Self-critical: High achievers will take pride in their accomplishment, while perfectionists are highly critical of themselves.
- Focus on results: High achievers enjoy the process of chasing a goal, while perfectionists focus only on hitting the goal and avoiding failure—they do not enjoy the process.
- Procrastination: Perfectionists are more prone to procrastination due to fear of failure.
- Defensiveness: High achievers look at feedback as valuable information that helps them to improve, while perfectionists look at feedback as criticism.
I would love for you to get some restful sleep and find tools to help you manage anxiety and panic attacks. Here are a few suggestions:
- Aim to go to sleep at the same time every night. Before turning off the lights, grab a notepad and write down what you are proud of for the day and set intentions for the following day.
- Practice mindfulness and relaxation at the end of the day. Try deep breathing, meditation, or yoga. YouTube has lots of guided videos to help you find one that works for you.
- If you are awakened during the night, remind yourself that you have a list of intentions set for the following day, you have full trust in yourself, and there is nothing new to consider or analyze from the day before.
- If you are unable to fall asleep, consider turning on meditation/relaxation music, which often helps people fall asleep.
- Challenge negative thoughts. When you find yourself replaying conversations and questioning your actions, ask yourself if these thoughts are rational and based on evidence, or if these thoughts are driven by anxiety.
- Set realistic expectations. It is important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that no one is perfect. Set achievable goals and don’t overly criticize yourself for minor mistakes. Learning from experiences is essential, but dwelling on past events can increase anxiety.
- Lastly, reach out to a therapist who can help you identify and manage anxiety and panic attacks.
Sending you warm wishes.
Alina Baugh is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Ask Alina is for informational purposes only. This article does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.